Lessons From Fanfiction
by absent writer
Summary: A list of currently 46 now 130something of the cliches, predictable storylines, and the trials and tribulations the average fanfiction reader is forced to go through in HP fanfiction! Rated for swearing on my part. Genre choice is very accurate.
1. Chapter 1

Lessons of HP Fanficion

Absentwriter

When reading in the HP section of I've come across many of these cliques way too often. So I thought I would list them here. So after reading through the list, look for them in other stories! Happy reading!

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Surprising Things You Learn From Slash HP Fanfiction

1. Harry looks exactly like his father and has the "sparkling emerald" eyes of his mother. We know this, but it doesn't hurt to be reminded every time one of Harry's lines come up.

2. Despite his appearance (see above), there is a surprisingly high probability that Harry is in no way related to James Potter or Lily Evans, but in fact is the biological son of Voldemort/Snape/Sirius...

3. Harry Potter, Sirius Black, James Potter, Lily Potter, Severus Snape, Lord Voldemort, Ron, Hermione, Remus Lupin, Albus Dumbledore, and Draco Malfoy all had twin sisters. However, Sirius, Lupin, Dumbledore, and Lord Voldemort all also had daughters with remarkable and mysterious powers that surpass all other known HP characters.

4. Harry Potter also had a twin brother named Gary Lou, who also, interestingly enough, has a distinct scar located somewhere on the head/chest area that often leads to confusion over "the-boy-who-lived".

5. If a character has blond hair and pale skin, they are at least part-Veela and must seek out their mate, who, sadly enough, is quite often the most unlikely and the most unsuitable person possible.

6. In the plot summaries, if one of the original HP characters is described as OOC (Out of Character), they may be more accurately labeled as CFU (Completely Fucked Up).

7. Only Harry may have a magical animagus forum. Everyone else must settle for lesser animals or utter failure.

8. It is extremely difficult to become an animagus, unless you get a lot of summarized, behind-the-scenes training which may last for several chapters.

9. Once you get him to open up, Lord Voldemort, henceforth known as Tom Riddle, is a very humorously sarcastic and patient man.

10. With the right potion/spell/ritual, Voldemort may easily reclaim his dashing good looks from his school days.

11. If both Harry and Dumbledore sit back and relax long enough, a mysterious, beautiful girl named Mary Sue with a sad past but incredible magic powers will appear and defeat Lord Voldemort, who inevitable has had a role in said savior's extremely angsty and/or abusive background.

12. In every battle/fight/duel, broken ribs are a must injury.

13. In every battle/fight/duel, no major HP character may be facially disfigured in any way, however, they must at some point be coughing up blood.

14. Harry is amazingly proficient in "wandless magic".

15. The Dursleys did more than just abuse Harry. Despite this, no one has noticed...yet. (this one suggested by friend)

16. Harry is more than just an ordinary wizard, he's also some sort of freaky magical creature-thing with the power to defeat Voldemort...but at what cost?

17. In addition to the Wizarding World, there are also Shadow Mages, Elemental Mages, Necromancers, etc...and all will be willing to adopt Harry under the right circumstances, i.e., extreme, fangirl-gushing angst.

18. Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, the entire Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardy, and the Ministry of Magic will turn on Harry in an instant. Harry's book of his parents' photos and Hedwig will be victims of their fury.

19. Draco, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Neville, etc...all have their own isolated and abusive pasts that all readers must immediately be informed of within the first chapter.

20. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew were at some point or another more than just friends. That is, they were marauders in a different sense.

21. With the right kind of writing, Harry will swing in just about any direction you want, but never, **never, in any circumstances**, may he be on top.

22. In any story involving a pairing with Harry and a girl who is not 'ol Hermy, Hermione Granger will suddenly and inexplicably become a fat ugly bitch.

23. All snakes are very friendly to Harry and have actually been duped all along by Lord Voldemort and his dark forces.

24. Snape is not evil, despite having killed Dumbledore (sorry if you didn't know, too late now). He had a good reason. Really! You see...

25. Time as well as cross-dimensional travel is both easy and fun!

26. All major HP characters will recover from major injuries within a few weeks with no lasting side effects.

27. All scars, magical or not, are incredibly sexy.

28. Despite the prophecy clearly stating that Voldemort and Harry must kill each other at some point, the former still believes that he can get Harry to join him.

29. If Harry's parents are to be resurrected, only James may return to life. Lily must die.

30. In the wake of a near-death experience and/or severe head injury, Harry's parents and Sirius are always willing and capable of giving him great advice.

31. If a secondary character is just as injured in battle as the main character, the latter's angst is lessened slightly, so only the main character, usually Harry, is allowed to narrowly escape death. However, he cannot die.

32. Every member of the Dursley family can possibly be redeemed except for Vernon.

33. Cornelius Fudge is a dick.

34. Vampires are okay as long as they are extremely good-looking. Werewolves rarely fit into this category.

35. Albus Dumbledore has dissociative identity disorder, aka multi-personality disorder, and as a result is torn between being Harry's mentor/grandfather figure/ultimate light wizard and being an evil, manipulative bastard.

36. Moving tattoos and multiple piercings are okay on Harry as long as they stick to the following: snakes, dragons, phoenixes, dragon teeth, emeralds, rubies...under no circumstances should a unicorn be included on this list.

37. The author may pair Harry with anyone they like. Good writing is not a must.

38. Following roughly 70 of all traumatic events, Harry will attempt to "escape the Wizarding World". However, inevitably he will be dragged back by a. LV attacks b. New Dark Lord/threat to the Wizarding World c. Errant child sent to Hogwarts, etc...

39. The instant a completely new female character created by the author starts bitching about her angsty past which always has something to do with Lord Voldemort, run away. The story has been taken over by what we call "Mary Sue's". DNR (do not read).

40. If a plot summary includes the term "Moldyshorts", DNR. It will be neither funny nor a particularly good story.

41. If a plot summary mentions that Harry has been married to Ginny for a period greater than 1 year, Harry will have slept with Draco Malfoy by the end.

42. In battle only swords and wands may be used. No one in the wizarding world has ever heard of a gun.

43. Sadly, mpregs (male pregnancies) in HP slash are not the result of errant spells or biotechnology experiments. They just happen.

44. In the event of #4, James and Lily Potter can be surprisingly abusive.

45. Despite the number of unlikely pairings Severus Snape has been unfortunately written into, he will never, **ever**, be described as attractive in the story. The only part of his physical appearance to be described will be his eyes. Key vocabulary word: "onyx", _onyx: _Mineralogy_a variety of chalcedony having straight parallel bands of alternating colors./black, esp. a pure or jet black_.

46. Forced/Arranged marriage is **never** who you want it to be with.

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If you know of any other weird cliques/fanfic rules that pop up in HP fanfiction, be sure to send them in with your reviews!

And for those of you who are wondering when I'm going to update my other, non-HP stories...I just got back from vacation 2 days ago and then wasted my time writing this.

Anyway, tell me what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

And now, I present to all my wonderful reviewers (and ungrateful readers as well) the second chapter of Lessons From Fanfiction. Is that how the title goes? Is it from or of? Whatever...I hope you enjoy reading this list as much as I enjoyed writing it. And I took several reader suggestions too, thank you very much for the people who sent them in. Though it doesn't hurt to add in your opinions of this fic as well, as just writing, "you forgot so-and-so" is kind of hurtful. Well...not really. Though my pride may swell obscenely when someone says they liked it, it will take more than a flame to hurt my feelings.

Right...um, this chapter focuses more on rules for fanfiction, though there are some life lessons to be gathered from it. There's also a pic, but I have no idea if it will work or not. If it doesn't, #99 originally had a picture of Daniel Radcliffe from the 4th movie...if the pic is gone, the comment is in no way funny at all. Kind of weird and creepy, actually...but don't blame me for it. He did look very girly in the picture, though...

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Sadly enough, I have decided to fall into one of the oldest cliches on that is, having the characters actually talk to me and to the readers. Sad, I know, but here we go anyway.

-----------------------------------------------------------------Commercial Break-----------------------------------------------------------

Announcer's Voice: _This fic is brought to you by..._

Harry Potter: Harryo's!!! They'rrre Harrylicious!!! And full of plenty of nutrition every savior of the Wizarding World nee—wait a minute...harrylicious? Is that even a word?

Smart-ass Hermione: Took you long enough.

Harry Potter: But...harrylicious? What is that supposed to mean, anyway? Does that—does that mean they taste like—like Harry? Like me? How do you even go about testing something like that? I mean...besides the...obvious method...

Me: Just—say—the—line—you—pansy.

Harry Potter: Okay okay okay. Harryo's!!! They'rrre Harrylicious!!! (Undertone) Now where's my fucking paycheck?

-------------------------------------------------------------Pre-fic teaser-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: No HP canon character was harmed in the making of the second "chapter" of Lessons from Fanfiction. However, many OC characters were violently and mercilessly killed.

Now back to my amazing "fanfiction story"! Remember, last time the readers learned that: _"What is it?" Harry asked anxiously, he didn't like the look on the Healer's face. "Um, Mr. Potter, were you aware that you're two months pregnant?"-----"You go" Harry replied. "I going to find Snape and tell him I love him" Harry declared, slurring his words. "Nah, you just want to fuck him."-----They ignored the cries of desperation from the other prisoners and eventually stopped in front of cell 3364, the cell of the infamous Harry Potter. His godfather stood, along with the well-known headmaster of Hogwarts, the current minister of magic, Arthur Weasley, his wife, Molly Weasley, the werewolf, Remus Lupin and ...but as well as they'd know him, as much as they claimed to love him, betrayal can't lie.-----"Am I going to die here...right now?" the raven-haired teen whispered to himself. "No" an eerie voice came out of nowhere. "You are one of us---you are...a shadow mage..."_

And now...the thrilling conclusion!!

Harry Potter: Wait a minute, did any of that stuff actually happen?

--------------------------------------------------------------Lessons From Fanfiction Chapter 2---------------------------------------------------------

47. How to tell the difference between a yaoi (gay) and a straight pairing: Straight pairs kiss; in yaoi pairings, 'their mouths battle for dominance'.

48. A fanfiction term to be aware of: 'Mary Sue Ultimate': when a 'beautiful and mysterious girl' with a 'darker past than Harry' and who is 'more powerful than Dumbledore', coincidentally, happens to have the same name as the author of the fanfic. If you see this: **DNRDNRDNRDNRDNRDNR!!!!! **And as for the fanfic author herself, DNR as well: Do Not Rite.

49. Any story summary along the lines of, "After Lord Voldemort is defeated once and for all, Ginny and Harry settle down and have 11 boys and 1 girl! But read what happens when their daughter is revealed to have new and mysterious powers!" cannot be going in a good direction.

50. For any of the following pairings: Harry/Snape, Hermione/Fleur, Harry/Ron, Harry/Voldemort, etc...the author better have thought it through all the way.

51. Plot summary: "English is not my first language! Read anyway! Cookies to all!" Not a good sign.

52. Plot summary: "This is not a Mary Sue!" There's a Mary Sue in it. A big one.

53. Any story or one-shot about how nice life was with baby Harry for James and Lily Potter, this is my advice: Don't get attached.

54. There are a surprising number of potions capable of turning someone into their teenage/childhood selves...but the only one who drinks them or "gets into a potion accident" is Snape. Note that a side effect of this potion on Snape is having sex with Harry.

55. Any attempt by Harry to save his parents' lives through time travel, etc...will not work.

56. The more 2 HP characters hate each other, the more likely they are to sleep together somewhere in the fic. The more they like each other, the less likely. Unfortunately for the latter couple, one of them will die/be captured/lose their memory, leaving the remainder in the throes of angst, much to the delight of readers cough sadists cough.

57. Just because no one's written it yet doesn't mean you should take it as a challenge. Harry/Bellatrix. Speaks for itself.

58. Incest HP stories...usually Harry/James. For Gods sake, the man's dead. Just b/c you save someone's life doesn't mean you shagged them. Though this rule pretty much holds true for Harry.

59. Attention all readers who are committed to flaming every single yaoi story they see: deal with it.

60. In every story in which Harry is an auror, his job description includes both 'killing Voldemort' and 'putting out'. Possibly even to Voldemort.

61. Boxers only. No tighty-whitey's.

62. Any sort of large sword, wand, dagger, gun (rare), etc...can be hidden comfortably beneath a robe. That's what they're for.

63. Hedwig is surprisingly intelligent.

64. In any fic Fawkes is involved in, Harry will gain some sort of new power related to phoenixes, i.e.: animagus transformation to phoenix, phoenix fire transport, phoenix tattoo, phoenix mind meld...

65. If Harry has long hair, he will be involved romantically with Snape, Draco, Lucius, or Voldemort. Or all of the above.

66. Though average at Hogwarts, if Harry receives training from anybody else in anything else, he will excel.

67. In every fanfic, Harry must be the hottest guy. He must also be the prettiest.

68. H/C (Hurt/Comfort) fics? More like NP (no plot).

69. When attempting to write dialogue in a British/French/Hagrid's accent, authors always give up within the first chapter. It's a huge pain in the ass. I mean arse.

70. If any one of the HP male characters through mysterious and suspicious circumstances turns into a girl, this is not the makings of a wonderful yet odd straight pairing, it is the frankenstein creation of an author who likes Harry/Draco an awful lot but is not quite willing to write a yaoi pairing.

71. In the midst of a passionate non-canon pairing in a HP fic, try not to visualize the character's movie counterparts.

72. Plot summary: "Ron's crazy American cousin shows up at Hogwarts!" Nothing more than American ego-stroking. Or America-bashing. Expect the cousin to have the same name as the authoress. (MSU).

73. If Harry should meet any new/old character in a fanfic with mysterious new powers, those powers will be his by the end of the fic.

74. Remember, in any story where the kids of the original Golden Trio show up in any way, shape, or form, keep in mind that Harry will, God forbid, be old.

75. All fics featuring a Harry/Draco pairing will also have Ron as a complete arsehole.

76. Despite all evidence to the contrary, some fics will have James Potter gay.

77. Someone who writes the plot summary as "I don't know how to write summaries, just read!" probably cannot write a good story either.

78. Someone who can think up of a funny way to say "Disclaimer: I don't own HP" will probably be a good fanfiction writer as well.

79. Be wary of a fic with less than 1000 words per chapter that has taken over year to write 3-6 chapters.

80. If an author writes at the end of the last chapter, "I'll update in a few days!" and then does not write anything for a year, they're not going to update.

81. If the author writes in the summary: "IMPORTANT: Author's Note at End!" the fic has died.

82. If the Marauders are inexplicably thrown into Harry's time, bewarned: they will probably usurp Harry's role as wizarding world hero.

83. In every incredibly romantic and tense moment in a fanfic, Harry will either open his mouth to kiss or to change feet.

84. All light creatures are extremely girly-looking.

85. Fanfiction authors are very insecure. If you don't review, they don't update. That goes for this "fic" too, by the way.

86. Despite how much you want to be a witch/wizard and go to Hogwarts, throwing yourself into a fanfic as a Mary Sue both will not work and is not fun to read.

87. Snape/Hermione?! What the fuck?! Who the hell came up with this one?!! Next point please. Christ!!

88. Common plot: Severus goes to Private Drive to check on Harry under Dumbledore's Orders and discovers he is being abused...

89. Common plot: Harry is betrayed by the Wizarding World and sent to Azkaban for crimes he is innocent of.

90. Common plot: After their days at Hogwarts Harry, Ron, and Hermione set off in search of Voldemort's horcruxes...

91. Most common HP story to have no reviews whatsoever: Severus/OC (Mary Sue).

92. The only swear word wizards and witches alike use is 'Merlin'. Examples of the use of this foul language include: 'Oh, Merlin!', 'Son of a Merlin!', 'Merlindammit!', 'MotherMerliner!', 'Oh My Merling Merlin! What do you mean I'm the father? Or am I the mother?'.

93. Most transparent plotline ever: 2-3 fangirls get their Hogwarts letters and discover that the world of Harry Potter is real! Or worse, they just get chucked into said world. Naturally, of course, the victims of their wanton lust will fall irresistibly for their dazzling looks.

94. Is there a chance that Harry has been secretly lusting after Snape all these years? No, not unless he is the greatest actor on earth, which we know from the movies isn't true(burn).

95. If there is ever a lemon pairing involved Umbridge, all fanfiction readers who look will instantly go blind. It's called hysterical blindness and is a natural defense mechanism against sights so unspeakably horrific and traumatizing no one can bear to look up on it again.

96. Harry Potter is able to form not 1, not 2, but 3 whole Patronuses to defend himself against Dementors. He remains defenseless, however, against Ring Wraiths.

97. If the window is open, the sun shining gently but brightly, and Harry is waking up at the Burrow from a magical coma or a serious head injury producing said coma, Ginny Weasley will look like an angel. Do not be fooled. Because she is a witch and therefore a black magic practitioner, we all know that she is, in fact, the hor of Satan.

98. Knockturn Alley is the Walmart of the Wizarding World. Only slightly more friendly.

99. Warning: All fangirls/fanboys must avert their eyes when this character (Harry Potter) shows up in a fanfic! He's very pretty! See?!! Look how pretty he is! Don't you want to run your fingers through his hair? _Ifyouhaveaheartconditionoranysimilarcriticalhealthconditionseeyourdoctorbeforeaccessing Don't say I didn't warn you! And that's my disclaimer! (See #78)_

100. Yaoi (slash and shounen-ai) pairings are like cockroaches (not in a bad way). Where you see one, there will be more.

101. If Harry should run away/escape/be abandoned by Dursley's anywhere, anyplace, he will somehow find his way into the worse hands possible.

102. If any HP character is for any single moment left alone at a 'wizarding bar/dance club' with a bottle of firewhiskey, they will not wake up alone.

103. The Hogwarts library has a book on every single subject imaginable. And Hermione will find it.

104. If the word 'platonic' is used somewhere in the plot summary, the story will have no platonic pairings.

105. If an author mentions that it is their first story in the plot summary, run screaming in the other direction. Not that it'll necessarily be bad if they're new at it, if the quivering, newborn-baby lack of confidence has taken over the summary, it will take over the story.

106. Lily Potter is actually a pureblood, not a muggleborn. In addition, like most large mammals, she is also warm-blooded.

107. Readers: if you do not recognize any of the names in the pairings listed by the author, do not read the story. Either it is an unannounced crossover/OC-plotline, or the author has decided to give all the HP characters her own nicknames. If it is the latter, do not reveal your e-mail address or username.

108. Dead-end fic: what would Harry look like with angel wings sprouting out of his back? I have read this one, by the way. The author actually admitted to it.

109. If Dumbledore is going down in a fic, he's taking a lot of people with him.

110. Despite having recovered from losing his parents, his godfather, and Dumbledore, if any one of Harry's girlfriends or boyfriends leaves him, he will become suicidal.

111. Unlike the 4th book, when Ron starts his downward spiral, he doesn't stop until he hits rock-bottom. Then he begins to dig.

112. The entire Gryffindor house may, at any unpredictable and unwarranted point in time, become a bunch of dicks.

113. Harry is the heir of Gryffindor. And Slytherin. And Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff too, if the author feels like it. He may or may not get powers.

114. Caution: Harry Potter may, at any time and any place, suddenly become a black-winged, scaly, flying, poison-flinging, hissing part-dragon, part-elf chimera with the power of the elements, shadow, and light, the heir of all four houses, a descendant of Merlin, the boy prophesied to defeat both Lord Voldemort and LV's successor, and mystic savior of the whole universe. He will also turn into a girl.

115. By the time said transformations are completed, Harry will be lucky to have any un-tattooed, unscarred, un-pierced, un-**anything** skin left on his face.

116. The Death Eaters of Lord Voldemort, the Aurors of the Ministry of Magic, and the Order of the Phoenix can all be thwarted by hair dye and contacts.

117. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. How else does Snape keep getting M-rated fics? The guy gets more action than the rest of the HP characters combined.

118. Beware: to all authors who haphazardly fling HP characters into the wrong time zones, know what to do with them once they land. Other than defeating Voldemort.

119. People of every Hogwarts House feel the need to decorate everything they own in their house colors. Unless, of course, they're being "unique".

120. If Voldemort decides to ever teach Harry magic under any circumstances (dark heir, Dumbledore betrayal, Azkaban arc, etc...) he's screwed.

121. Harry is not allowed to get a tan. Also, he has no hair on his chest and rarely, if ever, needs to shave.

122. Agony and utter humiliation are huge turn-ons for everyone in the HP world.

123. No one in the HP world is totally straight.

124. Harry is completely incapable of brushing his bangs out of his face by himself. Someone else must do it for him.

125. Every HP male is a Byronic hero, that is, a moody, bitching, PMS-ing she-male who is somehow both stuck up and having low self-esteem.

126. Wizarding world dictionary: pedophilia: no entry. Muggles, please see "love".

127. Only Dumbledore is immune to Harry's inadvertent charms. Everyone else has been paired with him. Everyone. Of course, now that I've written this down, someone will take it as a challenge and write it. See #57 people!!

128. A popular item in the Wizarding World is a trunk with multiple compartments just like Moody's. Some of these compartments can be as large as a small room. Incidentally, modern quantum physics scientists and cosmologists have reason to believe that our entire universe is contained within one of these compartments. Stars are actually pieces of lint.

129. Fanfiction author lingo: "Inspired by" can be more accurately phrased as "plagiarized from".

130. Dragonhide is extremely cool. If a character isn't wearing it, well, then they're just not "in".

131. There is a much-substantiated rumor that, upon Voldemort's death, a huge cloud of pent-up aphrodisiacs will burst from his carcass and infect every member of the HP cast.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------To be Continued (?)-------------------------------------------------------------------

All the stuff in italics was from real stories, just some data to back up my claims here!!

And yes, I know I misspelled "write" in #48. It was a joke. **A joke**. I'd run off and pout in an imaginary corner, only whenever an author says that they're just trying to ignore criticism. For God's sake, if I was immature enough to do that, what the hell am I doing on a computer?

By the way, whenever I misspell "write", it's always "righte". I kid you not. This time.

Anyway, send in your reviews, and if I like your suggestions and come up with some of my own, I just might bring up another chapter. If u guys are tired of this idea and say so, I won't bother. Or continue anyway. Flame if you must, but don't send me anything weird. If u want to see the pic of HP from #99, I'll try to figure out a way to post it. #99 is actually pretty funny (in my opinion, anyway...I got it from YGO Abridged. ALL HAIL LITTLEKURIBOH!!)


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